My first Christmas without you

Hi. It’s been a little while. I’ve lost a lot of motivation recently when it comes to creating new content. Truth be told I’ve spent a lot of my time crying, sleeping (or not sleeping sometimes) or binge watching TV. Usually watching the same show over and over so I don’t have to think about it or worry about what is going to happen. There are new shows and movies that I want to watch but I would always save them until me and Mam had the time to watch them together. She’s not here now but I’m still ‘saving’ them. This year will be my first Christmas without my Mam and so far it sucks. 

This year has made me realise that all of the Christmas magic I experienced was from my Mam who put so much thought and detail into Christmas. From the activities to going to church together to all of the gifts which you could see she had put so much thought and love into. This year it’s just me and my Dad. I love my Dad so much but he’ll happily agree with me when I tell you he’s not very good when it comes to Christmas. He’s an excellent cook but apart from that it’s me now doing the decorating, buying gifts, wrapping, writing cards etc. I’ve even bought all of my own gifts this year using his bank card hah. I’m 26 so I’ve technically been an adult for 8 years now but this year it suddenly feels like I’ve been thrown in at the deep end. I didn’t realise how big our list of family and friends is for a start. Our living room turned into Santas workshop at one point and when we had guests over it was a case of telling them to jump over the chaotic pile of presents and wrapping paper that were scattered all over the floor until I organised it all! Mam was very organised and I don’t think I’ve inherited that skill from her unfortunately. But I did it! I wrapped the last present earlier today so the chaos is over with I think (I hope!!)

Truth be told though, this year I would happily sleep through Christmas and skip it all together. The one person I want and need is no longer here. Grief sucks at the best of times but is so much worse when it comes to special occasions. 2024 has been a load of crap to be honest. I said last year that I hope 2024 will be my year, that ended well didn’t it? I don’t know what the future holds for me but happiness would be very high on my list. I need some joy. 

Mam, I miss you. I hope wherever you are you’re celebrating Christmas and being the life and soul of the party. You were always the loudest in the room so I wonder if you still are? I hope you are. I love you.

Laura x