Grief.
‘Grief is the price of love and it’s far more expensive than I could have ever imagined’ - kait.grange on Instagram
Mam was my best friend. We were joined at the hip and did everything together. Fancy a shopping trip? Ask Mam. Wanna go for a night time stroll on the beach? Mam would come with me. I told her everything, I was never afraid to tell her anything that was on my mind or if I was in trouble because she loved me so much. She defended me to the ends of the earth, comforted me when I was down and caused mischief with me. I think we had that closeness being that I’m an only child and Dad worked and still works a lot so it was always me and Mam together. She made sure I saw as much of life as possible. Travelling places, seeing shows, road trips, Disney trips! We did it all. Mam also made sure I cared for others no matter who they are. She was very passionate about helping those in need. I remember her buying herself a pair of gloves but not going home with them as a homeless man was cold. That’s the kind of person Mam was and who she raised me to be.
It’s 2am as I write this (I’ll double check the spelling and the grammar in the morning!) I’ve been struggling to sleep the past few nights and I’ve cried. A LOT. It’s October which means my birthday is coming up but also, we have quite a few family and friends’ birthdays coming up too. Mam always wrote out all of the cards so that role has been passed onto me. I wrote out my first cards that say ‘love from Martin (my Dad) and Laura’. The first cards without her name on them. Then it hit me that I’ll never get any more cards from Mam. That we won’t do all of the special things together that we would do around my birthday. I know that people want me to still do those things but I don’t care what anyone says, it’s not the same. Doing those things without Mam is so hard. As is doing new things. No matter where I am or who I’m with I feel like I don’t belong there because the one person whom I love with all of my heart is gone. Thankfully, I kept one or two birthday cards from previous years from Mam so maybe I’ll get those out every year. She had such beautiful handwriting.
You may all see my smiling face online and in person but the truth is I haven’t felt true happiness in a long time and I don’t know when I will again. When Mam died a piece of me was taken away.
Thank you all so much for your endless love and support I’m so grateful to each and every one of you. For the comments, the messages, for checking up on me, the late night phone calls, cards, gifts and for loving Mam. I know you all loved her too. Thank you all for everything and hopefully I’ll see you here again soon. I need to dig out my notebook that’s filled with blog post ideas!!
Love
Laura x
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